Written February 1st, 2017 @ 23 weeks pregnant.
Working in the nursery for the first time since November, trying to organize some clothes/bows/decor/accessories/carriers that we’ve acquired over the past few months that have just been thrown in the nursery in bags. I opened the top drawer to one of the dressers and saw a few of the 60+ home pregnancy tests, labeled with how many days past transfer and the time, that I’d saved and thrown in there to look at when I had doubts and to keep as happy reminders. There I saw the very first test I took, days before by first beta test, and it gave me chills and tears started to fill my eyes.
I was *supposed* to wait until my blood draw at 8 days past 5 day frozen transfer and not test at home, but from all the IVF support groups and blogs, I came to the conclusion (read: gave in to my overwhelming curiosity) that on the night of 4 days past transfer I could test without being let down because if it was negative it was still way too early to get a positive result (so I could tell myself there was still hope) and then I’d just wait a few more days for the blood draw, but knew that *some* people got a positive test that early, so if I did….then big WOOT!
I had told myself I wasn’t going to test early, but after the stress of the week I’d already had, I should have known that I couldn’t take any more anxiety.
So I POAS (peed on a stick) and the faintest squinter of a line showed up on the test line. Seriously, it was so faint that if you hadn’t taken a million negative tests in your life you’d think this one was just as stark white. If you hadn’t seen hundreds of other women struggling with infertility post pictures of their tests with the colors inverted to see the faintest of faint lines, you would not even know it was there.
But I knew it was there. I didn’t know I was definitely pregnant, or that I’d stay pregnant, but I knew there was a chance and I wasn’t out yet. I knew there was hope!!
My heart was racing. Ken would be home soon and I couldn’t wait to show him. I knew he’d think I was nuts because, yes, it looked white, BUT he didn’t have the trained eye of someone who spent 20 hours a day reading fertility blogs and threads! 😉 So I took several pictures of the test in different light, tried desperately to get a pic that showed as well as you can see it in person to post in my IVF support group, downloaded and used the color inverting apps, and showed them all to him when he got home.
He could see it too, at least, he said he did, and even if he didn’t I’m glad he, in some way, humored me because it had been a really rough week with exterior factors and it had been hard to stay positive and light hearted the whole time like you’re supposed to after transfer. Our fertility clinic had given instructions to “go home, rest for the rest of the week, 2 days of bedrest immediately after, watch funny movies, stay positive, laugh, no stress, etc”. Or, we could have both just been using our imaginations because we were so hopeful and desperate. I took another test the next morning to see if it was any darker. It wasn’t. I took one the next night. It was a tad darker, maybe? And about 3 times the next day. And so on until 8days past transfer came and I was in Kansas City for my beta. The lines had become darker, but they were still faint. Even if the first beta came back positive they still wanted 3 more every 2-3 days to see if my hcg was rising as it should.
And, as you know, it did☺️– but- I still took tests every day until our first ultrasound at 6 weeks or our 2nd at 8 weeks. Even after seeing the bean on the screen and puking since pretty much my first beta test which is the equivalent of days before a missed cycle, I couldn’t believe it was working! It wasn’t that I didn’t want to believe, it was just that so many women in the IVF support groups got positive betas and then miscarried. Their numbers didn’t double. They had ectopics or chemicals. They miscarried a few weeks later. Too many sad stories to fully celebrate so soon. Especially after so much heartache. I was having my progesterone levels drawn weekly and still giving myself daily 18 gauge needles of progesterone in oil (PIO) in my hip, actually afraid to quit taking them after 14 weeks because I was afraid to miscarry.
And so the cycle goes, because even after the first ultrasounds, I couldn’t really believe it until I’d heard the heartbeat. And after that I couldn’t really exhale until we had the anatomy scan and they could tell me that she was healthy and whole!
I’m so so SO thankful to be this far along (24 weeks!) with a healthy, active baby! 😭 I can’t believe I’m standing in a nursery that is almost complete for OUR baby girl! The girl who was conceived July 13th in a lab and was the strongest of our embabies to transfer first and who I’ve waited my whole life for. The strong little girl who stuck to me despite the odds. She’s amazing!!❤️❤️ Thanks to all my friends who prayed and hoped with us and to God who answered my prayers!
Now I’m throwing all but a couple of the tests away!
Move along, nothing to see here!😭 Signed,
al and pregnant friend who still pukes and is sick every day but is still the happiest woman to ever be pregnant 😉