Music in my heart

Before 2010 the hobby that I spent the most time on was music. I’d played instruments starting when I was 5 years old and always loved to sing. When I was 7 or 8 years old I started writing my own music on piano. I went to a music club with other music writers where I was the youngest one in the room. I grew and played in band, took lessons on several instruments, sang in different choirs, etc, jammed with friends, and couldn’t fall asleep without playing piano into my mid-twenties. I had always felt like music was my one talent or gift and that I had to use it, but never felt like i quite fit in anywhere musically.

In about 2010 my life started changing and during that change I explored other hobbies that I’d wanted to do for a long time but had always been discouraged from, mainly running. Without getting into details, running changed my life because it gave me a courage and a boldness that I had never had before because I’d felt shackled to one idea of who I had to be for so long. I had never been allowed to be ALL of who I felt I was supposed to be because of how I was raised. When my life didn’t feel right or go how others had planned for me, I felt like a failure until I started running and actually believing in myself. It was the first time in my life that I did something without the support from anyone who I loved, despite their discouragement, and for me because “I” wanted to do something instead of letting somebody else tell me what I had to do. It taught me so much. During that phase, and after, my family changed so much from what it had been just years before as I began to see the dysfunction and dealt with those ramifications.

All of this to say, I had missed music SO MUCH. Even though I had still been playing music on different instruments and singing over the last eight years, I felt like a part of me had been shut off. I could no longer write music, no matter how long I sat at the piano. There was a disconnect.

However, over the last year or so, I felt a yearning and a change in my spirit as areas of my life that had been broken began to heal. I had prayed that someday I would be able to write music again, or just enjoy sitting at the piano like I used to for hours. To have piano as an outlet again and write new songs instead of just playing covers or old songs. Until recently I hadn’t even had enough time in the day to even try to play, but starting with Nora sitting on my lap and letting her press the keys and play on it while I was playing old songs I used to play, I began to fall in love with my piano again.

Six days ago, I felt like I was supposed to just sit at it and start playing and to my surprise, a new song was born. Since then, in probably a total of 2 hours, I have pieces of 8 different songs that have just been pouring out of me onto the keys.

I’m writing this because it has been an answer to prayer, and another sign to me of healing in my life. I’ve been in the pit often over the last several years, places that were unfamiliar and new and scary and isolating. Before I got pregnant and during my pregnancy, several people who didn’t even know me or know that I was pregnant spoke things over me the few times that I went to church that confirmed what I had been hearing God tell me. God was using my child to bring me closer to Him and to bring healing in areas of my life, and he would not only heal me, but give me a new purpose and identity.

I am now confident in who He has created me to be now and those things are not limited to one area to define me. I’m not confident because of something I was able to do, but in the new peace I have in my life despite the chaos. I don’t know what the next months or years hold, what direction I will take, what challenges and blessings lie in front of me, or what hobbies or talents I will forget or find. I am confident, though, of His faithfulness through all seasons, and this season I am basking in His love shown to me largely through my daughter, the gift of being a treasured wife, being able to create and use my imagination, and for having music to write again. One thing that will never change is that I am a child of the King of Kings, despite all my flaws and shortcomings, and I pray that I am able to use this to bring honor to Him.

He can make all things new.

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